"Do Not Collect $200" Script (PDF version)

Setting: An Ordinary Room, Nowhere in Particular.

(Lights fade to the tune of Michael Lujan's "An Ashkenazi Theme"© - this music is mandatory for this production*. When the lights come back up we see a very simple set: a card table surrounded by three chairs. Standing in front of this table are HITLER, LENIN, and NAPOLEON.HITLER and NAPOLEON are both visibly agitated, though LENIN appears somewhat aloof. They have been kept waiting by the fourth member of their party.)

Napoleon
This is ridiculous.

Hitler
(checks his watch) It's 6:14.We've been waiting for over an hour now.

Napoleon
You see, this is what happens when you have an Irishman in your party. You get just one person with an inferiority complex and pretty soon, before you know it,they're trying to take everybody else down with them.

Lenin
Oh really, Bonaparte, I don't think it's quite so dramatic as that. He certainly doesn't have an inferiority complex. He's an artist. He's probably just making detailed mental notes to use in his next novel.

Hitler
Oh, here we go with thisscheist again. "Welcome to the Far Left, where we enjoy making excuses for the people who hold the rest of us back."

Napoleon
(chuckles) My sentiments exactly. And besides, Lenin, you're making two drastic oversights. One, he writes in stream-of-consciousness, which doesn't require any notes. And secondly, you're a Russian. What would you know about artists?

Lenin
Are you saying that Mother Russia has had no artists spring from her soil?

Napoleon
I would be amazed if you could name just five.

Lenin
(counting on his fingers) Dostoevsky. Leo Tolstoy. Yakhov Smirnoff. Rachmaninoff. And of course, Tchaikovsky.


Hitler
And let's not forget Ayn Rand.
Lenin
I was leaving that one out on purpose, but yes, Ayn Rand was also a comrade before she defected to the United States.

Napoleon
Yes, and speaking of the United States, how about that Cold War?

(NAPOLEON and HITLER both begin to laugh, mocking Lenin.)

Lenin
(undeterred) Actually, the Cold War was a lot of fun. But I'm sure it wasn't half as much fun as your Russian Campaign back in 1812. Tell me, is it fun to trek across miles and miles of snow only to find a burned city? I've always been curious about that.

(LENIN and HITLER now laugh, mocking Napoleon.)

Napoleon
I don't know whatyou' are laughing about, Hitler. If I remember correctly, you didn't fare very well in Russia yourself.

Hitler
Ja, this is true...But we did very well in France! Let's see, did we take that in two weeks or two days? I try to remember, but, you know, it just happened so fast! (chuckles and then addresses Lenin.) Lenin, have you ever been to Paris?

Lenin
Once, in 1895.

Hitler
Did you see the "Arc of Triumph?"

Lenin
Da! I did see that.And I remember, I thought to myself, "What triumph?"

(HITLER and LENIN laugh once again, mocking Napoleon.)

Napoleon
Go ahead, laugh it up. I don't care, because one of these days when you least expect it, you two are going to get it.

Lenin
Which reminds me, you got something in the mail today.

Napoleon
I did? What was it?

Lenin
It was a package from Waterloo...they sent your ass back to you!

(LENIN and HITLER laugh hysterically now, even high-fiving one another.

Napoleon
(growing emotional) You know something, Lenin? I really don't think I want to be around you anymore. I used to think that you were a really decent guy, but now I see...

(NAPOLEON is interrupted by HITLER who has spotted JOYCE on his way in.)

Hitler
Wait! Hold that thought. He's here.


(JOYCE enters, carrying a 6-pack of Guinness Stout and a Monopoly board. He appears lost in thought, oblivious to all that is said to him.)

Hitler
(irritated and sarcastic)Well, how nice of you to join us, Mr.Joyce.

Napoleon
(sarcastically) Yes, Joyce, truly it is an honor to have you grace us with your presence on this festive occasion. Oh, and I see you've brought beer with you too. Am I to take it that you've been at an Irish fraternity party this whole time?

(JOYCE remains silent and aloof as he sets down his beer and begins to set up the Monopoly board on the card table.)

Hitler
Now is not the time for a silent spell, Joyce! We've been waiting for over an hour. Where have you been?! I demand an explanation.

Joyce
(stands silently for a moment and then begins slowly) Along Sandymount Strand I walked...the breeze blowing upon my wind-chapped cheek. Sand upon my boots. A ringing in my ears, like the sound of the bells at Clongowes....Piiing Pooong.

Lenin
(to Napoleon) Ah ha! What did I tell you? He's been making notes so he can use them in a novel.


Napoleon
Yeah, a novel filled with details about everything someone does in the course of a day. That'll go over really well, won't it, Joyce?

(JOYCE says nothing, apparently sinking into another silent spell.)

Napoleon
Jimmy, I am not in the mood for this today, okay? I'm really not. Now, when I speak to you, I expect you to respond to what I'm saying. Est-ce que tucomprends?

Lenin
Oh, leave him alone, Napoleon! What difference does it make where he's been or what he's doing? The point is that he's here now and we may proceed as a group. Now come on, everyone, pick your pieces. We're late enough as it is.

(The characters all begin searching through the open Monopoly box to find their desired pieces. NAPOLEON picks up the car, which is quickly snatched away by HITLER.)

Hitler
I'm going to be the little car!

Napoleon
Oh no fair! You got to be the little car last time!

Hitler
Ja, well, if you'd established an automobile industry in your country, I would be more than willing to let you be the little car. But all you ever did was get beaten like a dog, so you have to be the little terrier!

Napoleon
Screw that. I'll be the little thimble. How about you, Lenin? What are you picking?

Lenin
In honor of my life behind the Iron Curtain, I am going to be the little iron. What about you,Joyce? You've got some choices here. You can be the little hat, the little dog, or the little horse.

Joyce
Little hats, little dogs,little horses...I shall try to fly by those nets.

Hitler
Not again with the nets, Joyce. It's been a long day.

Joyce
(rambling into stream-of-consciousness) Long day...Nora, resting her feet at Howth Head. The sun. Writing down her every word on my cuff. She laughed like music. Scent of peaches from her hand lotion.
Napoleon
(growing agitated) I'm tuning him out. I'm tuning him out. I'm tuning him out. Now then, we've got the pieces picked. Who's going to be the banker?

Hitler
Oh, I hate being the banker.Why don't you do it, Emperor Bonaparte?

Napoleon
Gee, I thought you'd never ask. Now, as you all know, each player starts off with $1500. Two five hundreds. Two one hundreds. Two fifties. Six twenties. Five tens. Five fives. And five ones. So if any of you end up with anymore or less than that, just let me know.

(NAPOLEON begins to distribute money to all of the players. As he does this, LENIN takes a calculator from his pocket and begins to do an equation. Seeing the answer to this equation, he begins to distribute various portions of the money Napoleon is giving him to the other players. The others seem confused.)

Napoleon
(realizing something is up) What the hell are you doing?

Lenin
"The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggle." In order to ensure peace, we must first ensure equality and equal distribution of wealth.

Napoleon
Oh, I don't believe this. Lenin, you can't be a Communist and play Monopoly. The whole point of the game is to make everyone else go without.

Lenin
(shocked) WHAT?! The capitalist concept of systematic poverty, the exploitation of people - this is fun? This is worthy of being a board game?

Napoleon
Well, duh! Maybe you didn't see this. (He lifts up the Monopoly box and shows it to Lenin.) Here, what does this say? "MADE IN AMERICA." I mean, the name of the game is Monopoly. That never registered to you?

Lenin
I thought we were all just trying to go around the board and stay out of jail.

Hitler
You really are aRussian.

Joyce
Maybe we should put a bread line on Boardwalk to make him feel more at home.

(HITLER and NAPOLEON both begin to laugh somewhat wildly. They were not expecting this from Joyce.)


Hitler
Good one, Jimmy! I knew you'd loosen up eventually.

Napoleon
Yeah, really. I can talk to you now that you've stopped talking in those weird little sentence fragments.

Joyce
(slipping back into stream-of-consciousness) Sentence fragments... Incompletion, like the beginning of Jerry Maguire. Or like coitus - coming without cumming. Old Miller spilled the milk and ruined the romance. Pity, that.

Hitler
Oh, come on! You were doing so good for a second there, Jimmy!

Joyce
For a second. For a minute.For an eternity. Granules of sand. Hourglass.

Napoleon
See, this is why William Faulkner got the Nobel Prize and you didn't.

(LENIN and HITLER both recognize the severity of this insult and begin to make talk-show noises like "Oooooo!" in an effort to spur the confrontation on. JOYCE is rattled, and after a moment of thought begins to speak in a very straight forward manner.)

Joyce
Okay, Napoleon, that was low.Even for you.

Napoleon
Low? What's low about it? It's true, is it not?

Joyce
Well, yes, but how would you appreciate it if I said something like, "You're shorter than I am. That's why I can please your wife and you can't?"

(LENIN and HITLER continue to egg the confrontationon as NAPOLEON begins to grow enraged and positions himself to strike Joyce.)

Napoleon
Joyce, you can mock my country. You can mock my military defeats. You can even mock that goofy little hat I'm usually wearing. But you just crossed a line when you talked about my Josephine...

(Sound effect: A cellular phone ringing. NAPOLEON reaches into his inner coat pocket and takes the phone from within. He stares at the caller ID and realizes that it is Josephine calling.)


Napoleon
And speak of the devil.(answers phone and suddenly turns sheepish) Hello?...Oh hi, honey,what are you doing?...Oh, I'm just out and about, doing great humanitarian deeds...What?...Marie-Louise said she saw me out with my friends? Well, that must have been someone that looked like me. I haven't seen the guys all day.

Joyce
(yelling so that Josephine might hear him) Yes he has! He's right here playing Monopoly with us right now!

(NAPOLEON motions to Joyce, telling him to be quiet.)

Napoleon
(still talking to Josephine)What, honey?...Oh, that was nothing. You see, I'm here at the hospital visiting Tourette's patients, and one of them just had a fit.

Joyce
(yelling once again) No he's not! This is Joyce, and I'm here with Lenin, Hitler, and a whole bunch of strippers! The party's going on, Josephine! You should see Napoleon. He's dancing with the lampshade on his head! Woohoo!

Napoleon
(still on the phone)What?...What?...Honey, I can't hear you. My signal's breaking up.Let me call you back....What?...Yes, I'll call you back....Okay...Okay...I love you too...Au revoir.

(NAPOLEON hangs up and then takes a second to gain his composure before confronting Joyce.)

Napoleon
Joyce, that was not cool.

Joyce
(stream-of-consciousness once again) Cool. Cold. Colder. Coldest. Polar ice caps. Penguins trying to stay warm.

Napoleon
 I give up.

Hitler
(agitated) Can we please get on with the game already? Eva's making red cabbage and sauerkraut tonight, and if I'm not home on time she'll lock me out.

Napoleon
Fine. Go ahead and roll.Let's go.

(HITLER picks up the dice and rolls a three.)

Hitler
Drei! (he begins to move his game piece) Eins...zwei...drei! Baltic Avenue!I'll take it! I claim it in the name of Deutschland! We shall repeal the Versailles Treaty and take back what is rightfully ours!

Napoleon
Hitler, do we have to go over this every time we play this game? You don't claim the properties, you buy them.

Hitler
(confused) Buy? What is thisbuy? Why should I buy what is rightfully mine? Did those traitors buy the areas of the Fatherland which they usurped? Is it not my destiny to take them back?

Lenin
Okay, somebody just went off the deep end. (to Hitler) Hitler, I'm no genius when it comes to this game, but I do know that you have to pay for the properties before you can claim them.

Hitler
(flying into stereotypical Hitlerian rage) Curse the Weimar Republic and all who stand between the people of Deutschland and their rightful claim to Baltic Avenue! I will not buy! I will conquer! I will not purchase! I will wage conquests!

Lenin
Now, Hitler, this is very disappointing to me. Why, just the other day I was talking to my mother and telling her how you were going to those anger management courses and learning to be a nice person and everything. I remember, I said to her, "No really, Mom, he's a very nice guy. He just has some issues, I think." And now here you are, reverting to those old ways.

Napoleon
You know what your problem is, Adolf? You have an inferiority complex.

Hitler
You know, that's the second time today you've mentioned inferiority complexes. I think maybe there's something you're trying to hide from, Short Boy!

Napoleon
(angrily) Short Boy?! We'd be the same height if you weren't always marching around in those high-heeled boots of yours.

Joyce
Ain't that the damn truth! You two are both short. And I'm talking short! Short!

Napoleon
Joyce, this is an A-B conversation, so you can just C your way out of it.


Joyce
Did you think of that all by yourself, Little General?

Napoleon
Shut up! Nobody asked you. And besides, what are you doing here anyway? The three of us were all involved in militaries and revolutions. You are just a writer.

Joyce
And you're jealous.

Napoleon
What?

Joyce
You're jealous. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the only one in this room that's never written a book. Hitler did Mein Kampf. Lenin's writings have all been collected into countless anthologies. And me, well, like you said, I'm just a writer. Maybe that's what you have an inferiority complex about. You're jealous because you can't write.

(NAPOLEON sits silent and wounded for a moment, creating the impression that Joyce's accusation is true. He then picks up the dice and rolls them without saying a word. He rolls a two.)

Lenin
(looking at the dice) Ooh, snake eyes.

Napoleon
(moving his game piece)Un...deux. Community Chest. (picks up a Community Chest card but only briefly looks at it) I can't read this without my glasses. What does it say?

(NAPOLEON hands the card to JOYCE.)

Joyce
You can't see it, so you hand it to me? You're a smart one.

Napoleon
Oh, just shut up and readit.

Joyce
(reads the card) Uh oh. This isn't good.

Hitler
What does it say?

Joyce
(reading aloud dramatically,in a style and tone similar to his earlier stream-of-consciousness diction) "GO TO JAIL. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do Not Collect $200."


Copyright © 2006, J Wiltz.

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